Truth - kid style.

A recent exchange between myself and a third grade boy in my theatre class. "Ms. Winston did you get a hair cut?"  I replied, happy that someone had noticed, "Yes, I did." His response, "Oh, I wasn't sure, it kinda looks like you bought some bangs and glued them on."  Let's face it, kids speak the truth, like it or not. They haven't developed that social filter yet. The one that causes you to bite your tongue when a fair-skinned person asks if you like her mustard-colored sweater. The real answer is "No, you look washed out - actually a little sick." But we have been conditioned to say, "You look lovely." She already bought the sweater- she's out in public. No need to make her feel bad about something that's too late to change. Children on the other hand, say it like it is. I have had quite a few zingers- the majority from my own little ones. Here are a few:

"Mom, that lady is the same age as you. Why doesn't she have big bags under her eyes like you do?"

"Mommy, I like when I hug you - you are so soft and squishy."

"Why is part of your hair brown and the rest blonde?"

"Do other people lose their car keys everyday?"

"Will I have lots of wrinkles like you when I grow up?"

"Mom, you need to wear a bra - even in your nightgown. It looks gross."

That is just a smattering, I could go on and on. I'm sure you've been on the receiving end of such truths. Let me know if you have any great ones to add.

I remember on the morning of my Daddy's 50th birthday. I went up to him crying. When he asked me what was wrong. I said, "You're 50. That's so old. Now you're going to die!"

Payback is a bitch my friends.

Some Holiday Advice

Ahhh...the holidays!  I love this time of year.  That being said, I'm not thrilled about all the rude, impatient, stressed out people we will encounter during the madness and pressure of creating the "perfect" holiday.  It all begins on Black Friday.  People literally stampeding each other to save 20 dollars on a video game.  Parents cutting in line with their children to visit Santa.  The parking space stealers.  The list goes on and on.
I now hold my tongue when it comes to confronting all the hanging-by-a-thread lunatics lurking about.  I learned my lesson nine years ago - the day before I gave birth to my daughter Georgia.  It started out simply.  I went to see an 11am matinee of "The Incredibles" at the Sherman Oaks Galleria with my husband Matt, our three year old son Rowan, our friend George and his 10 year old boy.  We loved the movie.  The credits started rolling, the lights went up in the theatre and everyone started to exit.  Matt, being the ever-thoughtful guy, was hunched over, scooping up all the popcorn and candy that had missed our son's mouth and landed on the sticky floor.  George, his son and I stood up and started recounting our favorite parts of the movie as we were waiting for Matt to finish - when I heard from the stadium seats two rows above us, "Move or sit the f*ck down!" I maneuvered my very large, ready-to-burst belly around to see three 20-something guys - one that looked like Biff from "Back to the Future" - sprawled out with their feet on the seats in front of them.  I was disgusted.  "Really?  Are you kidding me?  You're going to talk that way to a pregnant woman with small children?" To which he sneered, "Yes I am. Sit the f*ck down."  Now I was enraged.  "You're a piece of garbage!  And why don't you take your dirty feet off the seats!"  Then he hurled another "f*ck you" my way.  During this brief exchange Matt was still obliviously cleaning up and looking for one of Rowan's toys.  My friend George heard it all though and his Lebanese temper quickly boiled over.   He started shaking all of our nearly empty soda cups to see which one was fullest.  When he found the one, he tossed the contents up at the guy and yelled, "You need to cool down buddy!"  Almost instantly the Biff-looking character jumped down two rows and landed on top of George, fists flying.  I screamed "Help!" like a woman in a 1970's disaster movie and pulled the kids out of the fray.  Matt finally saw what was going on, jumped on the guy who was punching George and put him in a choke hold.  The guy started to go limp and Matt shouted "It's over! It's OVER!!"  It looked like a WWE match only it was real.  I peered up, still screeching, praying the other two guys wouldn't join in.  Luckily they didn't.
Finally two dorky movie security guards arrived after everything had started to calm down and we were all escorted from the theatre, despite my protestations of innocence.  After saying goodbye to George and his son, we silently waited for the valet to bring our minivan up.  When we got  in the car, Matt said, "You know, you caused this.  You need to learn to keep your mouth shut with a$%holes like that.  You don't know what someone's gonna do." As much as I wanted to disagree - I knew he was right.  You can't get in arguments with strangers.  You never know what kind of crazy you're dealing with.  So this holiday season (or anytime really) when a stranger says something rude, cuts you off in traffic or takes the last doorbuster sale item from your hands and you want to respond remember "The Incredibles" take a breath and move on.

rats

Last weekend I went down to our little sub-basement storage space, only to discover rodents had decided to take over. There was shredded Christmas and Hanukkah paper all over the place(apparently they are interfaith just like us), the insulation had been ripped out of the wall and there were more "pellets" than you can imagine. Lets just say... these rats are regular. I slammed the door shut and screamed for my husband.  We had a big job ahead of us. I jumped in the car and quickly sped to Home Depot to procure the items we would need to begin the war. Gloves, masks, bleach and traps- lots of them. My brave husband did all the really hard work-he was down in the trenches for hours pulling out all the long forgotten random stuff we had stored in there. I took what could be salvaged out to the driveway and wiped it down with every antibacterial product known to man. It truly felt like an episode of Hoarders- especially when we discovered Matt's old Intellivison with all the games. (at least there were no dried out flattened cats or used depends- so I guess we aren't that bad)
  I took this infestation as a sign that not only did I need to clean out the clutter, but I needed to address the grief over losing both of my wonderful amazing parents last year. It has been trying to surface a lot lately and I just push it down into the storage space of my heart. I'll deal with it later-I've got to make breakfast, pack lunches, plan dinner, go grocery shopping, do laundry, get the kids to school, soccer practice, play rehearsal, art class, music lessons and hundreds of other things.  It is hard as a mother of two young children to take the time needed to grieve. Just like the rats found a home in the stuff packed away in the basement- grief has a way of working itself into other areas of your life if you don't face it. Losing your parents is life changing-you become a different person. I'm no longer someones daughter- that is painful. I think I'm going to go to a grief support group. If I put grieving into my schedule-perhaps the rats will go away.

lunch

Hi Friends. Forgive me. It has been a couple of weeks since I last blogged.  If you could see me, I would be crossing myself and asking how many "Hail Marys" I need to say.  I'm not Catholic - but I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for my procrastination.  So, I figured it can't hurt, right?  I have just been so busy eating my kids' Halloween candy that I haven't had time to write. Sugar comas are not conducive to anything other than preparing to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.

I had a weird day yesterday. I went to my local El Pollo Loco for a pollo bowl with no pollo or cilantro (I hate that stuff- it tastes like perfume). I was in line behind a nicely dressed, mid-30's man who was texting on his iPhone- I point this out because that is why I noticed his very long well groomed fingernails. Long fingernails on a man are just nasty (unless you are a drag queen- then you get a pass). This man was not a drag queen.  In fact, other than his nails, he was macho in a kind of intimidating way. He had a shaved head with a large (old) scar on the back of it. Just as I was taking in this dude's strangeness, another guy got in line behind me. He was fairly large and had clearly been in a recent fight. I could tell this because he had a cut on his nose that was just starting to scab over and a faint black eye. The cast of characters around me was starting to make me feel as though I had stumbled into a Quentin Tarantino movie. A minute or so passed - it was a busy lunch hour. A small man in construction clothes came up and casually asked (in broken English) if we were in line. The man behind me replied with extreme venom "No, we are just standing here for fun you dumb f*ck!!"  At this point, I was looking for the nearest exit realizing why the man behind me had his wounds. He was obviously always looking for a fight. Luckily, the little man did not challenge this ball of anger and silently went to the back of the line. I could almost feel the heat of rage bouncing off this man and onto my back. I thought to myself "I should just leave - what if this man has a gun and the cashier tells him they are out of sour cream or the man with the long nails accidentally brushes up against him and scratches him with his talons." But I was hungry. So, I stayed against my better judgement. My stomach is clearly stronger (and bigger) than my brain. Nothing ended up happening, but, thinking back, I should have listened to my fear and left. A rice and bean bowl is not worth putting myself in danger. I do have to admit it tasted pretty darn good when I ate it though. I think adrenaline makes things taste better than they actually are.

Top 10 things that scare me.

Since Halloween is closing in upon us, I thought I would share the top 10 things that are scaring me right now. (It changes on a pretty frequent basis.)

1. Fitting Rooms (They are small horribly lit self torture chambers. They would sell so many more clothes if they just put in better lighting. Mirrors that make you look thinner than you actually are wouldn't hurt either.)

2. Seventh Grade Math (Math in general- but since this is what I am expected to help my son with-it gets top billing, followed closely by my daughters 3rd grade math. A frightening truth.)

3. The Inside of My Minivan (I'm just gonna say- there are things lurking under my stow and go seats that no human should see.)

4. Ted Cruz (If I have to explain...let's skip my reasons. Arguing about politics also scares me.)

5. Chicken McNuggets  (Just google a video of the process of them being made and you will know why. Seriously ghoulish.)

6. The Smoky Eye (I attempted to create this look only once-trust me I looked like an extra on The Walking Dead.) 

7. Bald Men with Long Hair (Bald is sexy- rockin' the ponytail with the bald top-horrifying. Embrace the baldness-shave that creepy stuff off. )

8. The Kardashians (They are collectively rumored to be worth close to a billion dollars- so I guess I should be scared of Joe Q public that craves their talentless exploits. BTW- Did you see the cover of Vouge this month with Sandra Bullock- the photo looks like Kris Jenner- the scariest of them all.)

9. Teenage Girls (I suppose I fear them because my son, who is 12 but looks 9, is in love with them. His current crush is 13- twice his size and looks 26. When I first saw her I thought she was a teachers aide.)

10. My Kids Trick or Treat Candy (I even go so far as to have my husband hide it from me- but it haunts me, calling out to me in the dead of night "Find me-EAT ME!!" The Kit Kats are the most evil.)

What scares you???? 

My snowflake

I thought I would share a few quotes from past facebook posts by my brilliant little snowflake Rowan. My boy has such a unique perspective on life. He has ADHD so he can be exhausting at times because his mind goes in 20 different directions at once- but I wouldn’t change a thing about him. (okay well..I would like him to listen to me the first time and not fight with his sister -but I assume that is true of most kids)  Here are a few highlights:

Rowan: "What do you think I was in a past life?" Me: "I would guess you were an adventurer." Rowan: "No...I think I was a Tree." Me: " Why would you think that?" Rowan: "Because I can be all crazy -like when the wind is blowing through the tree and whipping its leaves around. But I can also be very still and peaceful."

We asked Rowan how his day was going to be. This was his reply: "I don't know- I'm going to surprise myself."

Rowan was reading an old Dennis the Menace comic book that Matt had when he was a kid. He put it down and said, "Mr. Wilson was the Squidward of your time."

My sweet boy told me while we were snuggling, “ you are even beautiful in the dark.” (some would say more so...but I took the compliment and chose not to be sarcastic)

"Mom, my childhood is going by too fast. I think I've been wasting it playing video games and computer. Aren't I suppose to be out riding my bike and being free? I need to press rewind and start over. In 3 years I will be a teenager. I'll miss being a kid . Everyone says it's the best years of your life. (deep thinking pause) But I do love video games."

Rowan was acting a little hyper this morning during breakfast. I said "Don't act that weird at school- some of the kids might not like it." He replied quite seriously "what if I give them a variety of weird?"

"I don't ever want an earring. Unless I become a pirate and I really need one.”

He got a magic eight ball for Christmas. We saw him whispering questions to it. Matt asked what he was asking it. He replied "Will Rowan Winston discover a new galaxy? "

He had to fill out a form for a self evaluation- One of the questions was: Do you feel normal? With a choice of 3 answers: Always- Sometimes- Never. He chose Never.

He said nobody in my family is normal and we like it that way.

We do like it that way. I hope I can continue to help guide this special soul (and my equally fabulous daughter)  through the horrors of middle school. Being a little different is celebrated once you make it off the roller coaster of adolescence. Give your kid an extra hug today- it can be rough road sometimes.

15 years...

Today is my 15th wedding anniversary.  In "Hollywood" years it is our 83rd.  Bless his heart for putting up with me.  We are opposites in many ways.  Him: Straight A's @ college prep private school - graduated from Yale with honors   Me: Happy with a C @ a public school- Acting school grad (I had to go somewhere that math was not a requirement)  Him: A driven perfectionist   Me: Let me be kind to myself and just say...I'm not.  You get the picture.  What we do have in common is our sense of humor.  It is after all what got us together 19 years ago.  He attended a Groundlings (a comedy group in LA) show where I was playing a crazy old lady (in full makeup and wig) who owned a card shop in a sketch.  He turned to his friend and said, "That's the funniest girl I've ever seen- I'm going to marry her." (He may or may not have been on some mind altering substance and have a thing for old women...but that is not the point.)  It didn't matter that he had never met me or that I had a boyfriend at the time.  He just knew.  He was right.  Thank goodness he is driven or we wouldn't be blessed with the amazing family we have today.  A lot has changed in all these years. (including my waistline...damn, I can't believe I ever complained about my weight back then)  But one thing has not- we still love each other- (we may not like each other everyday- but who does?!) and we still laugh, even through the hard times.  We want to be together when we are crotchety old folks complaining that our soup is not hot enough during our early bird dinner outings.
 I'm a lucky lady.

Spanx and other random things that are annoying me this week.

   I thought Spanx might be good for my body image. I know they are meant to smooth out any... how do I put this delicately... let's say "troublesome areas" and create a beautiful silhouette. Wearing  Spanx just makes me feel like an overcooked Italian sausage bursting out of its casing. The fat it is "smoothing" has to go somewhere - it will find a place to break free. I once had what appeared to be a third boob poking out on the back of my right shoulder blade.
   Deodorant is annoying me. I have been using the natural kind - without any of the supposedly cancer causing aluminum. Turns out aluminum is what makes deodorant work! I'm all for making better choices regarding what we put on and in our bodies - but I might just have to take my chances and go back to my old reliable Secret. That, or soon I will have no friends and my nickname will be Stinky.
  I'll close with my last annoyance: The gluten-free diet craze - the apparent cure-all to everything from ADHD to zits. I understand some people have celiac disease - that is a true problem - but other than that I'm not sure I buy into it. My son has ADHD and I put him on a gluten free diet once in second grade because I heard it could help with his attention issues. He got so depressed he couldn't have pizza at lunch that he stole a dollar off a girl's desk and ran to the the cafeteria to buy a slice. So being gluten-free actually turned my 7-year old into a criminal. If I cut out gluten - I don't think I would be very happy either.  On the plus side, I probably wouldn't need Spanx.

Media Depravation

I feel like I need to go around with a sign on my chest saying,  "I haven't watched the final episode of Breaking Bad yet- please don't ruin it for me!"  I have one more day left in my week long media depravation.  No TV- No Internet ( including Facebook-gasp) - No books or magazines. It's an experiment/exercise from a book called "The Artist's Way".  The purpose of the exercise is to free up your creativity. For me it has proven beyond a shadow of doubt that I am indeed, a media addict. I've been white knuckling it for these last few days. I'm not gonna lie- I've fallen off the wagon a couple of times. The first time was when a 30% off coupon came in the mail from Lands End. I just couldn't let it go to waste. I had to go online and use it. I convinced myself it was justified cheat- my son needed new uniforms for school and some dressy clothes for the 30+ bar/bat mitzvahs he has to attend this year. I knew an hour later when I was in the women's section placing a pair of khaki "skinny pants" in my virtual cart- I'd gone off the rails. You should know this about me- anything that has the word skinny or slimming in the title- I'm gonna buy it. My other indiscretion happened once again courtesy of the postal service- when my US magazine arrived. (Yes, I torture myself weekly by looking at the perfectly airbrushed size 0 celebrities- but I did buy the subscription for some school fundraiser- so at least my pain is for a good cause.) I had to see Kim Kardashian with her new blonde hair. This (almost) media free week has shown me that I do waste a lot of time, but I have to say I've missed it. I'm not ashamed to admit I like the internet, tv, and magazines. I know they can be mind numbing- that's just what I'm looking for. When I let my mind get too quiet- I desperately miss my parents (I lost them both last year) and I worry too much about things I don't have control over. So sometimes being numb is good- it's all about balance I guess. I just decided I'm going off my media depravation diet one day early-six days is enough. Now I gotta go see what happened on Breaking Bad.